My luverly lot

I am back!!!

Where from you may ask?

I am back from from the darkest deepest well of sadness and for the last 16 months I have not found the love of life to add that extra little energy to write,read,create,laugh!!! I have survived or lets say I have functioned as I am needed by my children to do just that but the reality is that inside I have been deeply grieving for my beautiful mother who passed away a year last september.

I find it hard still 16 months on,it does get easier but no less painful.Recently I went to visit my stepfather and I went up to her spare room where all her things still sit just where they were left and I opened up her diary to see a year of hospital appointments.Radiology.Chemotherapy.Oncology.She had spent the last year of her life holding on to slim hope until she finally could take no more and climbed the stairs one last time to take to her bed where she switched off from the world and wished her pain away

It was the most painful heart wrenching experience I have ever seen and I will never get over the dignity and calmness that she withheld in her last few weeks

I was with her when she died.I knew she worried so much about me her youngest daughter and I think she was waiting for me to tell her that I would be fine and that she needed to let go.

I know she was waiting for me to hear those words as moments after I sat on her bed and whispered quietly in her ear that I would be ok I watched a single tear fall down her cheek and my mum left her pain and suffering behind

For a long time I just went on to autopilot,doing the mundane day to day jobs and just getting along with life as a parent has to.On the outside you just about cut the custard that you are fine,but on the inside I was grieving not only for my mother but also I think the grief I felt when my father died when my first daughter was a few weeks old seemed to rear back up and I cried for the loss of my parents as a unit.

I knew a part of me had died along with my mum yet at the same time I knew I wanted to keep a part of her alive through me but its only been very recently that I have felt connected with her again and have been able to turn back to my creative side
I feel that connection with her through the crafts and pictures that I take and I know how she loved to see this blog and for her memory I feel ready to move forward and with every post I put on here I will write it with you mum in my mind

I love you mum and I miss you so much.I told you I would be ok!!!